So it has been a while since I have come on here to write anything.. In fact I came pretty close to deleting the whole site but couldn’t bear to lose ‘The Memoirs of a Christopher’ web address I had given this page. I don’t know why I have been so hesitant to post.. Just every time I logged on with a story I just couldn’t be bothered. Probably something to do with the whole trying to avoid the going down the grief rabbit hole thing. Anyways I’m back!! And that’s because I have had a down week. A super down week.
It involved: (As Chris would put it) “Losing my rag” at the kids on Friday and wanting to walk out of the classroom (which is unlike me), randomly starting to cry over my delicious chocolate and caramel mud cake and latte in the cafe today (which was totally not a crying matter) and having anger bubbling through my veins that would rival the flame burning from the top of Anger’s head in the movie Inside Out. I honestly couldn’t put my finger on it. Time of the month? No. Stress from work? Usually it doesn’t get to me like THAT… I really couldn’t figure it out until someone posted a picture on Facebook from a year ago. Chris’ memorial service in the UK was a year ago today. I had completely forgotten, but my heart and evidently my body, had not.
And before you judge me, no, I’m not a completely terrible girlfriend that had forgotten Chris’ date of death and funeral. Chris had actually died over a month prior, but because of the manner of death and the different logistics involved of different sides of the world and country etc, his service in his home town was not held until a much later date. It had all become a bit of a blur to me by that point..
For the year ‘saddiversary’ of his actual death I actually had a plan. That plan was to run far, far away to a place where I did not have to speak to or acknowledge anyone and to pamper myself like there was no tomorrow. I ran away to Bali to do a bali retreat in Ubud. It was actually incredible. We focused on mindfulness meditation which allowed my brain to slow down, if only for a moment. I had full body massages, which allowed me to be touched by another person (I think I have almost forgotten what that is!) We also got to go to a temple and bathe in the holy water, praying for the things we wanted in the future. But my most favourite part was on the last day where we got to write down things we wanted to let go of and burn them… We then took the ashes down to a river and threw them in with a bunch of flower petals.
I want to let go of the guilt I feel for being the reason Chris came to Australia, which is where he died. I want to let go of feeling responsible and guilty over my mother.
I am not one for hippy voodoo crap.. But I must admit watching those flowers float away down that river and repeatedly chanting what I want to let go of in my life WAS cleansing.. I felt much lighter on my return. So you could imagine my surprise when I went into my Instagram and realised the Olympian had private messaged me… Maybe it was all that secret praying at the temple I had done?!
Ok, so I’m pretty sure he was drunk when he initially private messaged me. It was the grand final day for the Austalian Rules Football after all… And yes, he had only just broken up with his girlfriend so he probably just wanted some flirty banter. But he gave me his number!! Woo! We actually had some pretty awesome conversation happening, and I think we have a similar sense of humour. However….. I am coming from a background where I have not even kissed someone for over a year after a massive trauma. He is coming from a background where he has recently broken up with a super hot girlfriend. I am desperate. He is not. Hey don’t get me wrong he’s not being mean about it, I’m just getting the non interested vibe. But.. You can’t blame me. You can’t wave super hard abs and a nice arse in front of a poor deprived girl then just take it away! Just one photo, that’s all I want!! Cmmonnn!!! Puhhlleasssee?? Haha, imagine if he found this site. I would die. Literally die…… Hmm but perhaps that would solve some of my issues???……. Just kidding!
So yeh… These are the ponderings of a young widow: I am sad. I miss Chris. Yoga and meditation is relaxing. Hot guy is hot. But I miss Chris.
No wonder there’s so many emotions running through my veins. I think my head is going to explode.
Til next time!! (Whenever the hell that will be xxx)
(PS there’s been lots of teary outbursts amongst all this happening, but I just can’t be bothered harping on about the crying… Crying, crying, crying blerghhhhh, so over it!!)