This week has been a bit of a shocking one… Maybe shocking isn’t quite the right word as that has negative connotations… This week has been a SURPRISING one.
Surprise one came in the form of a letter I was ripping open as I was tearing to the loo after returning home from work. It was from the insurance company and I was totally thinking it was going to say tough luck, too bad, you suck as it seems every other interaction I have had with departments regarding Chris’ death has gone down that route. So imagine my surprise when it was big fat cheque staring back at me… It was lucky I was on the toilet really!
Now most people’s reaction to this type of news in the mail would be screaming, jumping up and down, yelling, you know, general forms of excitement. But I just sat there with my mouth open. Then I started to feel gross.
This was Chris’ DEATH money. My 27 year old, loving, beautiful partner is dead for THIS. This type of money is what I have always dreamed of. It is the type of money you buy lotto tickets for… But all I could think was that Chris had to die for me to get this.
And then I started crying. I started getting annoyed at the irony.
This is what Chris was working for. This is why Chris went to work THAT day. So he could get this type of money to help us buy a house and a car and all those fancy ‘things’ that you WANT.
And then I started feeling guilty that I wasn’t appreciating this moment more. I mean, this is pretty much life changing and all I could feel was like shit. What a spoilt, unappreciative brat. There are people starving out there in the world, and here I am sitting on a toilet crying that I have been given a lump sum amount of money.
Arghghgshs allll the emotions. Too many emotions. I will love it when I’m not so bloody emotional ALL THE FRICKEN TIME ANYMORE!
Surprise number two.
My friends organised that I go out fishing with them and I was actually super duper excited. The last time I went fishing with them on the boat was with Chris so I was keen to do it again. My friend, let’s call her El, spun me this story about how her husband was fixing something on the boat with his mate at the harbour so we would have to wait and go get a coffee at the café. I was more than happy to do this so went along with her. I commented on how well she was dressed for going fishing, she was like yehhh I have my fishing shirt in the car. I saw my next door neighbour and I shouted out how funny that her and El were wearing matching clothes (blue and white striped navy, dress/shirt short combo). My neighbour, Dee laughed and said ha! That IS weird and jumped in her car and drove off. We ordered the coffee and a sandwich but by the time it came, El’s husband was calling for us to come meet him. We started walking down the pier and El couldn’t find her husband’s boat so gave him a call. “Fuck that’s so weird,” I said, “That sounded totally like Dee!”
“Nahh, that was N,” El replied.
“Holy crap really?! Far out that is SO bizarre, it sounded totally like Dee! I’m gonna ring N and I’m gonna get you to listen cos it changed his voice SOO much!”
We kept walking down… Hang on a second… There’s a boat with balloons…. Hang on a second…. That WAS Dee’s voice…. Hang on a second…
My beautiful friend had organised a surprise boat pirate themed party. Everyone was dressed as pirates and we cruised the water and got to spend the day at our very own beach, Pirate’s Cove.
It truly was amazing.
So why the fuck did I keep getting the sads and the lonelies?! I was surrounded by amazing, beautiful people who had kept this a secret from me for so long, but yet, I kept feeling a hollowness in my chest.
One very special person was missing. And he would have fricken loved it.
That night, when I was back home by myself after many hours of drinking, I did my ugly screaming/crying.
This is so fucking shit. Not only do I miss Chris, without a shadow of a doubt, but I feel like I can never TRULY enjoy it even when things are incredible. It’s just so frustrating.
But I do appreciate the effort. And I do know I am loved. So I suppose, that is a good thing.
(PS: I’m not going to be a ‘rich ass bitch for long’. Am giving most of it to his parents and the rest will be going towards my studies next year. It’s the least I can do really..)