As you may recall from a previous post I was kind of joking about applying for the TV show The Bachelor. Well, after a couple (or more) glasses of wine I actually did it! And what seemed like a pie in the sky idea soon turned into a crazy whirlwind of craziness, involving flight offers, interviews, cameras and auditions where we were made to do all sorts of things that kind of just reminded me of team building exercises I complete for work…

Throughout the whole process I had this strange underlying sense of confidence, you know that feeling you get when you are kind of guaranteed something is going to happen? Second round of activities had been completed and it was announced that only ONE girl from the 20 in my group was going to be chosen to go to the next round, which obviously was me, otherwise I wouldn’t be blogging about it. The next round was the final round and I was sat in front of the camera and was interviewed by a panel of people. I had zero nerves and spoke confidently about my experiences of losing Chris.. Of how no I haven’t dated someone since.. How yes I feel like I am ready to date someone else.. How I was a blobby, ball of mess immediately after Chris died. The panel all smiled at each other. They all smiled at me. They kind of gave me the sense they were onto a winner (of course it was a winner. Tragedy, love, it’s TV gold right?)

We were given psych tests to complete. I answered honestly. Had I been sad sometime this last week?.. Yes, somewhat I had been. Had I been lonely sometime this last week? Yes, of course. My partner was killed a year and a half ago. I’m always a little bit sad and lonely. Doesn’t mean I’m depressed. It’s a natural reaction to this sort of event. Surely it wouldn’t affect my application.

I left the audition feeling confident. Then a couple of days later I started to become nervous. What if I actually got on? What were the possibilities? I could share my story about Chris. Perhaps changes in Workplace safety could be made. I could meet someone amazing. And if not those things, I could have an incredible experience.

Soon the stakes were even higher. I realised I didn’t get a First Round offer from uni to get into Midwifery. Fuck. What if I don’t get into uni AND didn’t get onto the Bachelor?! I would have taken a year’s leave without pay for nothing, and sitting and doing nothing is probably not the best for my mental health. I started to get anxious. I was wanting this Bachelor experience too much.. And I know when I want something too much, it doesn’t happen.

Second round offers for Midwifery came out and I was accepted. Phew. I had a back up plan! But by now, my imagination had taken me too far, and I was too invested in the Bachelor experience.

I waited and waited for a phone call. Nothing. I ended up getting in contact with them.. Which we all know is a bad sign. They gave me the bad news. They said they debated over me and went backwards and forwards, but decided, finally that no I wasn’t going to go on.

I hung up.

And truthfully?

I’m devastated.

Not that I didn’t get on the show so much. More so that I still can’t believe that Chris could die, and then nothing after that really happens.

Physics says, everything has an equal and opposite reaction.

But not death.

This show was going to be that for me. The equal and opposite reaction. It was going to change my life. Forever alter it. Just like Chris’ death has.

But it didn’t happen.

And I’m just here… Picking up the pieces… Living a boring life. With a giant hole in my heart.